This is possibly the scariest post I’ve ever put up but perhaps the most important.
So when I was younger I had a couple of friends who struggled with anxiety and I’m ashamed to admit I thought it was all panic attacks and worry about leaving the house etc.
I now know just how wrong I was.
In october last year my doctor disgnosed me with the disorder and gave me medication to help. Now, me being me, took the medication as I was told and then assumed I was all fine and dandy again. So when I went back for a medication review I was the first to admit that I was fine. This being said my doctor took me off the tablets and sent me on my merry way.
Let’s skip ahead to this week – trouble sleeping, appetites been very hit and miss and my emotions. Oh wow. I didn’t actually know it was possible for one human being to cry as much as I have done in the past 2 days. The cause of the tears? Couldn’t tell you. Sadness, anger, hunger, stress, they’re all things I’ve considered but truth be told I dont think it’s any of those things. The main overarching feeling I have – paranoia. And I’m talking can’t go to work, not leaving the house, not speaking to anyone paranoia. That feeling where the whole world is against you and everyone you know is looking at you judging and secretly hating.
Yeah, that’s the one.
I’ve been given two weeks off work and half of me thinks that’s just what I need and half of me is terrified of what to do with that time. I know some people would kill for two weeks off but I’m really uneasy about it and it’s all I’ve worried about for two days. That’s what I do, I’m an overthinker which leads me to get to the worst conclusions, in this case, loosing my job due to being incapable.
I’ve come to learn that Anxiety is a selfish disease, it makes you doubt everyone and everything when in actual fact they’ve done nothing wrong. You push people away because you don’t trust them or you cling on to one person because you think they’re the only good person left.
People will tell you they understand, they’ll say they know what you’re going through, they’ll tell you they know someone who’s the same. It’s all rubbish. Even if you’re suffering with it yourself you don’t know how someone else is feeling. We all deal and react to it in different ways.
I was never going to post this. The idea that my own little piece of the internet is now not the happy cheery place I wanted it to be is scary. The fact that it’s not the perfect image of myself I wanted to portray is dissapointing. But I’ve come to learn that you have to take the good with the bad and sometimes that means admitting to things you we’re trying to hide.
So there you go. This is me and this is what I struggle with everyday. And while I do have great days, weeks, even months sometimes Anxiety comes back and kicks you back down and you’ve got to learn how to pick yourself up all over again.
If you are suffering don’t do it alone. Find the one thing you can cling to that grounds you and focus on it.
All the love in the world, L xx