A child who looses a parent is an Orphan.
A Wife who looses a Husband is a Widow.
There is no word for a Mother who looses her baby.
As 2018 gets into full swing I am learning that taking things one day at a time is sometimes not practical. Instead hour by hour is the way I am choosing to go. Because, yes, I can wake up on a Monday morning and feel fine. But by Monday evening I am ready to throw in the towel, withdraw from my studies, run away and hide, and try and forget.
I have always been quite positive about the new year but 2018 has started off, for me anyway, as the year when my baby will have never seen life.
Wow. Bold statement.
But it’s true. For six weeks and three days of 2017 my baby lived, and for 9 weeks and six days so did my dream of what could be. Neither of those things will be following me into 2018 and that is tough to handle. And while there will be points of this year when I feel closer to my baby and therefor alot more emotional, their due date being the main one I am anticipating. I will never feel that excitement and joy again.
As the lines say above there is no label you can give a mother who looses a child. Some people dismiss them as a mother entirely. If someone looses a young child that the world knows and loves they are still a mother, they are still remembered on Mother’s Day, they’re child’s birthday etc. Does that happen to a mother who lost a baby before the world got to meet and know them? I simply do not know. I have never been in this situation before.
I don’t know how I will feel on Mother’s Day, the first one I would have spent as a mother – a 26 week pregnant mother. Wearing one of those slogan tee shirts with some cheesy comment about my impending arrival.
I don’t know how I will feel in June when i should have been both completing my PGCE and becoming a qualified teacher and completing my pregnancy and becoming a mother. All I will have at the end of the summer will be a certificate. The doesn’t seem fair.
Will people text? Will people phone? Will people even remember?
This leads me on to what I think I wanted to say in this post and that is – There are right and wrong things to say to a Mother who has suffered a miscarriage.
For the purposes of further reading i feel I should explain, while I know both parents are affected by this experience and need support I do not have my then partner in this situation and so cannot express his feelings and needs. It if therefor easier to talk about what I know as oppose to try and begin to understand how Fathers feel in this situation.
RIGHT THINGS TO SAY/DO:
- I am sorry for your loss.
- I’m praying for you.
- I’m here for whatever you need, whenever you need.
- I’ve made some food, I’ll bring it over.
- Send flowers.
- Check in regularly.
- Make a note of important dates and remember them.
- Be silent and listen.
- Just be present.
WRONG THINGS TO SAY/DO:
- You’re young you can have another baby.
- It’s not the right time for you anyway.
- Hey, at least you know you can get pregnant!
- At least you were only early.
- It was God’s plan.
- You’re only given events you can handle.
- Staying away because you don’t know what to say.
- Ignoring it when you see that person.
I honesty think, and again I don’t know many, that if you asked women who had suffered a miscarriage what people had responded a considerable number of them would mention the ‘Wrong’ list.
Yes I am only 23. Yes I was just starting a new career. That does not mean that the physical and emotional pain that comes with a miscarriage is lessened than a woman who is older, married and in a secure job. And saying so not only dismisses my feelings but the life of my baby.
Sometimes saying nothing but offering a hug is just what we need. Just sit on the sofa with us and watch TV. Don’t ask me about my feelings every day because, truth be told, I may not know how I feel but I know that you being there and me not feeling alone is helping.
I hope if you clicked on this for help on supporting someone through this horrific experience I have managed to shed some light on the issue. It is possible that i have just got all of the thoughts out of my head and made no sense at all.
Thoughts and prayers are with you all,